The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves

quote-falling-in-love-and-having-a-relationship-are-two-different-things-keanu-reeves-152292

If you had to add “Right, brah?” to the end of that quote, don’t worry. You’re in good company.

Taking relationship advice from Keanu Reeves is a no brainer. His brilliant work on Point Break should be enough to give him all the credibility. Which means you won’t be surprised when I agree with him.

Being in love and being in a relationship ARE two different things.

They can coexist with the same person but they can also be mutually exclusive. I am in love with my husband most of the time. I am in relationship with him all of the time.

Calm down. I’ll explain.

Being in love is a feeling. An awesome feeling to be sure. All warm and squishy and sigh producing. However, as my husband is known for saying, “You know the thing about feelings? They’re not real.” Feelings ebb and flow. God knows some are more rational than others. But always…they end. Without exception. They may start back up again, they may not. They may go dormant, they may cease all together. It really doesn’t matter how they end, the important part is that they do. Know why? Because regardless of what kind of feeling it is, maintaining it at any level is exhausting. None of us have the energy to run on feelings all the time. Have you ever met someone who tries to do that?

Yeah.

*shudder*

Now before you tell me I’m wrong or have the emotional range of Bender from Futurama, let me tell you something. I was that person. And I was damned difficult to be around. I didn’t make a single decision that wasn’t emotionally based and it made life pretty awful for me. I had two speeds. All the feelings and unconscious.

I know. Ugh.

Being in love feels delicious but being in relationship is what’s going to see you through. Relationship is bred, nurtured and grown over time. It becomes the bedrock for success. It is so much harder to shake than feelings. There is more to lose because of what’s been invested.

Keanu, bless his heart, got it right.

Even in the low points of my marriage (Yes, Craig and I have them too. You should try being married to me.) there is relationship. There is that common denominator of “we’ll get through this” because we have come to understand what it means to actually love someone. It’s just…more. It’s something that translates into determination to do right by the other person. It’s love without the “being in”.

Do we still get those warm and squishy feelings about each other? Sure. Have you seen my husband? Yum.

But at the end of the day, at the end of a really shitty week or when we’re old and wrinkly, there is relationship. There is knowing what you have is lasting. It is active. It is real.

What say you?

P.S. Feel free to load up the comments section with Keanu quotes if you want. Party on.

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92 comments on “The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves

  1. Ashlie J says:

    I am, unfortunately, still on the lookout for he who will be to me what Craig is to you. But I know he’s out there. And that he’s on the lookout for me too. Hopefully we won’t have to look for long.
    BTW, I agree with today’s post.

  2. Soul Walker says:

    He works and gets paid. He plays chess and says intelligent things when not on a movie. He has a history of being generous to other people who work with him in the movies he is in… and he got that quote right. I think this guy is on to something excellent.

  3. Nicki says:

    What can I say but “A-freakin-men!!!!”

    You offered me some advice about my marriage a long time ago (regarding a husband with anxiety/depression issues). Sadly it did not work out, but this article eloquently makes the point that I had not been able to express to my husband.

    Some people do think you have to be in love all of the time for a marriage to work. It doesn’t work that way. I get that being in love and being in a relationship are different; unfortunately my husband did not. We’ve now gone our separate ways, and I’m still working on getting myself settled and centered more. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and find my own “Craig.” … I can hope, right?

    Anyways, rock solid advice, as usual!

    • davidtalks13 says:

      It is a shame when marriage doesn’t work out but better to end something that isn’t working than to go through the motions. I don’t think anyone wants to feel like they are settling. I think there is nothing worse than sticking with someone because it is just convenient than because you really want to be there.

  4. […] Thanks for the note. I also stumbled on this blog post today, which also helps with perspective: The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men Just wish I had known this six or seven years ago. But then again, maybe I had to go through all […]

  5. […] to keep in mind is that feelings change all the time. I think this blog post says it quite well: The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men You feel a certain way because of his behavior; if he changes, there's a very good chance that […]

  6. Hello, Cheerio says:

    This is perfect. I love the distinction between the two and the longer I know my guy, the more I know with great certainty that I love him. Of course I fell “in love” with him, but through everything, I just simply love him. Heck, I’m moving 4000 miles away to be with him, I should good graciously hope there’s love. The awesome part of that love is in fact the foundation of friendship and a relationship built from that… yes, as coffeeandguts said above, preach.

  7. good for you! rock on, my sistah. my hubby and i have this as well, by God’s grace. coincidentally, i just blogged about our marriage, too. i guess the colder weather is making everyone all loveydoveygoogooley-eyed.

  8. vicbriggs says:

    I’ve been running Project R: Relationship Interrupted on my blog for the past two weeks and discovered that when it comes to love and relationships no two persons agree. We all have our own take on the subject. This piece would’ve fitted quite nicely into the project – it made me consider a “Related Articles” list for it’s close…

  9. bhmassage says:

    Awesome. I too used to be on or off with my emotions, nothing in between. Everything required an emotional response. It’s so much easier to just “be”. I hope that’s what my relationship ends up being :)

  10. bernasvibe says:

    You’re spot ON..Keanu nailed IT..And most folks that are in long term marriages; know this & live IT. My parents have now been married & IN love & living love & spreading love; for 51 years. Yep, thats fifty-one YEARS. There love is almost tangible..It has become an entity in of itself..Everyone can see it & people yearn to be around them..They are ONE. Imagine how difficult it is to maintain a relationship through the individual growth of two people over 51 years??? It is rare these days , indeed. One marriage for a lifetime..It is hard to even find someone that has had parents together that long , in love, and lovers in a marriage forever..And yet? I honestly think it matters when folks link up to ..a. either have that in common so they’ve actually “seen” a long-lasting love or b. 100% agree that this is a team effort of a lifetime! Isn’t that part of the marriage vows? Back-in-the-days folks married for better or for worse..These days that is rare. I’m divorced but not because I didn’t/don’t love marriage. I loved IT. And it was good while it was good..Matter of fact we’re still very good friends! Which amazes people..My response? How can you have once been IN love with someone & shared love for so many years & co-raised children and not be friends? I guess everyone’s norm or normal is different. I ask folks to define normal & get a cazillion different responses…As you can see reading your post(no matter how dated..) made me reflect alot. On very good things ! Love is one of my fave topics. So I thank you for writing this & sharing it . And kudos to WordPress for digging back & FP’ing it. 2 thumbs UP

  11. This is spot on. Being the 24/7 emotionally based operator, I exhausted myself and everyone around me. Coming up on 32 years of marriage, my husband and I have been through more crap together and I’m sure we’ve both wanted to leave at times, but we love each other, even when we’re not FEELING the love. Great post.

  12. sonatano1 says:

    Romantic love has always been a rotten thing for me. I don’t need it, but I know plenty of people who have it and seem to be happy. I’m happy for them, but I don’t really get the whole thing.

    • This might be one of the most fascinating comments I’ve ever received. Would love to have you expand on the not getting it part.

      • sonatano1 says:

        I don’t know how to put it. I just haven’t ever felt romantic love for someone. In my relationships I’ve received such feelings but could never return them, even when we were involved together. I think that kind of “love” has always poisoned what were before decent friendships. All in all, I don’t see why or how it’s a good thing. It clouds your judgment and makes you think the object of your affection is something he or she’s not. Maybe there can be a real kind of love after a really long relationship that comes from real knowledge of a person.

  13. roytaker1 says:

    perfect advice for those who never quite could understand relationship

  14. stephen1001 says:

    His character in the Matrix memorably (if not Oscar-worthily) claimed, “I know Kung Fu,” but off-screen, the two of you make some much more articulate points – well said!

  15. susielindau says:

    I have always appreciated the relationship I’ve had for now 26 years, (sheesh!) but not as much as after the hell I went through this summer. Having found someone who loves me through thick and thin is such a gift! I don’t ever take it for granted.
    “I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.”

  16. Kerry P says:

    I am 2 weeks away from my 1 year anniversary. I think that ‘feelings’ in the first year are extreme. Extreme happy to extreme frustration. It blows my mind how I can have all these feelings for someone…but yes, i totally agree. Just when I think things can’t get any better or worse, we return to our relationship. And that is what’s going to get us through until forever :)

  17. iel says:

    Reblogged this on Word Play Day and commented:
    Well said.

  18. kraukraukdi says:

    Awesome post… I’m completely agree with “Being in love and being in a relationship ARE two different things.”

  19. pikkuneiti says:

    My father used to say that a lot to me when I was younger and it made a lot of sense, of course in the case of my father was that he and my mother were divorced and he was still in love with her, luckily for them they figured things out and remarry again :). So I understand those words in both ways, simply beautiful! Thanks for the share :).

  20. Reblogged this on Dreams: Guide to the Soul and commented:
    It is the relationship that matters the most, but you had better feel in love in that relationship fairly regularly.

  21. “Be excellent to each other” should be part of the marriage vows. :-)

  22. artmoscow says:

    Being in a relationship and falling into one are two different processes.
    Falling out with someone and failing someone are often the same thing.
    Felling someone and failing someone are not related at all!
    Two plus two and three are equal, after taxes.

    Keanu’s wisdom is inexaustable )

  23. “It’s love without the “being in”.” This is what sums it all. And nothing, I mean nothing, has said this so simply and so beautifully.
    love and relationships are two different things for sure. Very few of us get them together. Am so happy to have found the clarity that I have always wanted. Bingo. Wish you and Craig enough love to feed those feelings for ever so that you two can nurture yourselves with each other.
    Thank you for this and definitely, a very big congratulations on being freshly pressed.

  24. Egggselant!! I too am I love with my hubby ‘most’ of the time. The relationship is the true measure.
    I Loved stumbling upon your blog.

  25. Ahh, the ebbs and flows of dopamine, prolactin, oxytocin and vasopressin — and to complicate matters, we’re also susceptible to the Coolidge Effect. Nature most often gets the last laugh, but posts like yours show otherwise. This was a great read. Congrats on being freshly pressed.

  26. Great words coming from a well-educated actor. Feeling love and being in relationship indeed wasn’t the same. What if you felt in love with somebody else but ended up marrying the wrong guy/girl?

  27. awax1217 says:

    Been married to the same woman since 1970 and never looked back. We had about a dozen verbal fights, she won them all after I calmed down and realized that I was silly. She is still the love of my life and I can not imagine how my life would have turned out better. Three kids, two grandchildren and a woman who truly cares for me. I know I am a lucky man. If you get chance read my blog on the Stamp. That is why we got married.

  28. I have to agree with you, one thing does not equal to the other. I guess that’s what’s happening to me. Slowly learning the implications and yeah I’m also a difficult person to deal with.

  29. I would have to add to this and say: Yes there is a difference between being in love and being in a relationship…there is also a difference between being in lust and being in love!

    It is the lust part that will come and go…this is definitely dependent upon mood, emotions, and hormones (ladies).

    But love never comes and goes (the thought of murder does), but the knowledge and emotions of love abides forever! It is the True Love that keeps the relationship together when everything else falls apart.

    Read some of my Articles…you’ll get a better understanding of what I mean.

    http://www.sahiyena.org/d-amour

    http://www.sahiyena.org/serendipity-by-design

    Great Post!

  30. jasmineelow says:

    Reblogged this on .

  31. freulleinnet says:

    Reblogged this on Eullchen & Freullein Nett and commented:
    Keanu Reeves war der Traum meiner schlaflosen Jugendnächte. Er war perfekt. Ich wollte ihn haben. Und dann kam Matrix. Aus und vorbei. Dennoch, der Mann sagt die Wahrheit.
    Fazit: Nettes Zitat, netter Blog – das Freullein mag das :-)

  32. It is so true what you are saying. My husband and I have been together for 29 years. The ‘relationship’ part is all important. It is also about being comfortable with each other and having understanding of the other. These are also not emotions, but states – I think a good relationship also gears on acceptance of who your partner is, taking the good along with all the annoying parts! (And of course we DO still love each other!)

  33. In my ignorance/naivety/stupidity I like to think that my blog hits at what a modern relationship is like for a young person in 2013. This, by contrast, is actually very insightful. It seems blatantly obvious when put as you have, but the idea of feelings ending is one I never properly entertained. It’s not often that you read something online that makes you look at something of such importance in a very different way. Thank you for that. X

  34. Yes, I agree, and I’ve always been a fan of Reeves. He’s an interesting specimen.

  35. love IS a wonderful thing when you find the right one:)

  36. nubianmuse23 says:

    Reblogged this on Take a ride on my curls into my mind and commented:
    Amazing eye opener

  37. nubianmuse23 says:

    Reblogged this on Take a ride on my curls into my mind and commented:
    Amazing eye opener

  38. well, to me the ‘relationship’ part is way more *sigh-inducing than the ‘being in’ part!

  39. M1n3 M4nn says:

    Reblogged this on transcensfolk.

  40. life4alicia says:

    Reblogged this on Life4Alicia and commented:
    Love and Relationships

  41. oh the synchronicity. Keanu was just interviewed on Local Toronto TV yesterday and I happened to turn it on. My son went to his infamous alternative high school Avalon. I loved The MAtrix, Is Keanu really a taoist in disguise? He plays his roles with limited emotions and has played The Buddha and other God like characters, Superman, NEO. Is he really a master? Cute.

  42. I was never in a relationship because I was afraid. Relationships confuses me. I know its realities. When I read that, somehow, I was hmm, awakened? its because I learned something new. :) mind to check my posts?

  43. sonjamendl says:

    This initial feeling of being in love that everybody is chasing is nice but this is only reflection of your ownself in other person, at this moment we still do not really see this other person. Love is some other dimension it includes your whole self in interfaction with the whole other person :-) Nice blog btw.

  44. your analysis prompted me to put some math on it;love directly proportionate to feelings?????

  45. I totally agree with you and Keanu Reeves. And just like what in his movie matrix revolutions, love is a word, what matters is the connection it implies. Maybe that where he got that, what do you think?

  46. I never expected that Keanu can say something as wise as that. I am not a big fan but what he says about love and relationship is quite right.

  47. K. Lee Ellis says:

    Haha The title of this post caught my eye! I was like, Wisdom of Keanu? Huh? Lol But it’s sooooo true! You summed it up brilliantly. And sadly, I think a lot of people still don’t get it. Hence the high divorce rate. Sigh. But when you DO get it, it’s like opening a doorway to a better way of living… of loving, really. My mom used to say, “Love is a choice, not a feeling.” Some days it’s an easier choice than others, but it’s still a choice. So yay for the wisdom of mothers and Keanu Reeves! Thanks for sharing this post. :)

  48. theodorous says:

    You might have something here. Although taking life lessons from actors underscores just how little we have been taught to understand ourselves, or anyone else for that matter.
    Thanks for the look into your world..Just don’t tell my buddies that I was reading your blog.

  49. Truth. Am in a “bedrock” stage since meeting someone in January. Totally different already from those first giddy-jiggity moments when nothing could stop your heart from hoping… now we are doing the REAL relationship stuff. Anybody can do the fun stuff on the front end. Not everyone wants to or is cut out for hauling bedrock, lol… time proves all whether we like it or not. Enjoyed your sharing about you and your husband. Was married over three decades, could relate in a past life kind of way ;)

  50. Love. Here’s the thing: if the definition of it isn’t the same for both of you, forget about it; it’s not gonna last. Start with someone with integrity…unless you don’t have any… and then together, decide whether HIS love looks ANYTHING like your love, and 75% of the time…it won’t. Doesn’t matter what you call it; you have to have agreement. That’s straight scoop if you believe divorce statistics. You have a 25% shot at bliss. Go for it if you dare. bwaaa haaa haa haaaaa.

  51. enigmaz83 says:

    I think we all have different opinions about love. This is his opinion and it might resonate with few others too. Getting into relationship has a lot to do with mental prepardness towards committment, which is often hard to find.

  52. kqduane says:

    At 48 years, and counting, our “relationship” is sailing along quite well. Ups and downs, yes, but love and faith fill the sails and they always smooth the tempestuous seas. I would have it no other way.

  53. sofiazi says:

    This man deserves more love

  54. Thank you for this post. People forget that being in love and being in a relationship are not the same thing. They forget how feelings ebb and change. Love is more than a feeling, though; ‘love’ is a decision you make every day, that this other person is as important to you as your own self, and sometimes even more important; that their needs and desires have as much weight with you as your own. and sometimes even more. That is a relationship, and when both partners feel that way, it’s a loving relationship. Being ‘in love’, while wonderful, is not building a loving relationship. This post brings that to light again, as should be done often. Thank you, again.

  55. Mrs Finkling says:

    “It’s fun to be hopelessly in love. It’s dangerous, but it’s fun.” – Another Keanu brainwave to add!!

  56. Reblogged this on Twisted Spinstre and commented:
    So true!

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